Here comes the bride...

I have been fortunate to fulfill many roles here at MCCSS - whether public speaking at a rally, hanging posters, writing grants, interviewing case studies, being a resource person, hounding for publicity, discussing HIV/AIDS with a men’s flower cooperative or executing my latest role - impromptu wedding photographer. Ahhhh yes, non-profits sure are resourceful… .
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Once upon a time, Sudha (soo-duh), a woman at the short-stay home, expressed her desire to enter an arranged marriage. So that’s exactly what happened. A few weeks later, backgrounds had been checked, families had met, dowries were negotiated and somehow during this discussion, I became a bargaining chip. With a few shouted words in Tamil, head nods and noises, I was nominated as the official wedding photographer. Could I really say no to this experience? Of course not, so the story begins here…

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I was lucky enough to be included in on dowry negotiations. It is similar to the intense, nail to nail, tooth to tooth contract battles with suppliers I negotiated during my corporate days. This is no time to show weakness; Time to paint your war face. Automatically you are on the losing side if you represent the woman, so we already knew we were the underdog walking into battle. It seems all fun and games for an instant as the intense ambiance is lightened by occasional - at times inappropriate -laughter. The groom’s family begins by showboating an offering to the bride’s family. MCCSS played the role of Sudha’s pseudo-family, as she has no connection to blood family willing to act on her behalf. (Remember: loss of connection to family is likely not her choice. Women are ostracized for being victims of human trafficking, bearing children out of wedlock, abandoning an abusive marriage, etc.) The wedding offering may consist of various silk saris, beautiful fabrics and other tempting treats. The gift is carefully inspected and accepted; now the battle begins.

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The smiles and photo ops of the accepted offering soon turn serious as the gift moves to the bride’s corner of the room. Now, the groom’s family demands begin. They require a meal for 300 people, non-vegetarian and they want the best cuts of beef. The wife’s family argues back, beef is too expensive for 300 mouths, they will provide the best chicken for 200 only. They spout back from the opposite side of the room, chicken for 250 people. Deal! The groom’s family now demands a photographer and videographer to capture the event. The wife’s family (MCCSS) fights back and barters down to solely a photographer – the white foreigner sitting in the red, plastic chair - me. Deal! This continues on covering every last wedding detail. At one point heaps of gold jewelry, cold hard cash and a motorcycle were sincere demands on the table. Why? Upon marriage the woman becomes property of the groom’s family. They will all share a home and the dowry is essentially a payment to the groom’s family to ensure they will take decent care of the bride. I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous demands. She is a woman from the short-stay home; she makes minimal wages; she barely has a family of her own and a non-profit surely does not have the means to fulfill these wild demands. These people are over the top…or so I thought.

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Two days later, the wedding takes place. The bride and groom have never met…but they soon would. On the van ride to the wedding, I intently watched the bride. The sweet scent of the white flowers styled in her jet black hair delicately danced through the air. Her lace white veil lay over her face, covering all signs of emotion. She was silent, barely glancing out the window. What was she thinking? Was she nervous to marry a man she had never met? How could she entrust such an important decision to others? Were her best intentions at heart when the marriage was arranged? Would this man be kind? Was he an alcoholic? Was he jealous? Was this her escape from life in the short stay home? Could he become the man of her dreams? Would they be happy? Do they share the same ideals? Would this be the day she dreamed of? Or the biggest regret of her life? She would have to wait until after they were married to discover the answers to all these questions. For now she could only hope this would be a good decision, as divorce is still not a viable option in Indian society. If divorced down the road, Sudha would likely return to the short stay home – possibly with children and the stigma of a terminated marriage.

We pulled up in front of a Christian church. The couple was Hindu, but the groom’s family is Christian. So as a stipulation of negotiation, the Hindu wedding would take place outside of the Christian church. Whose wedding was this anyway? Not a single detail was decided by the soon-to-be newlyweds...not even who you would marry. The family planned every last aspect to their personal gain and benefit. The couple never once looked into each other’s eyes. However, no one else seemed to notice as the family ushered me around ensuring I took family portraits and photos of all the important objects to be used during the ceremony. After a few minutes, we formed a circle and a series of rituals ensued. To begin with, we all had to touch the pole in the center of the circle, haphazardly strewn with yellow string. A few camera clicks and that was captured. Shortly after, long garlands of colorful, fresh flowers were placed around each neck of the nervous couple and they exchanged garlands not once, but three times. Snap. Snap. Snap. I captured each exchange – though they all looked the same behind the lens, this apparently did not matter. Next, a coconut wrapped in ribbon adorned with a small, gold heart was passed around the circle before broken in half and the liquid poured into steel cups. The bride and groom were each handed a silver cup to drink the cool, coconut milk. I was finally able to capture some candid snapshots in this moment – frowned upon by Indians, but worth the risk. Then, flower petals were showered over the couple as they tied yellow string around each other’s neck, symbolizing the official bond between the pair. They were married…no turning back now.

Afterwards, everyone insisted on having their picture taken with the couple, not as much to commemorate the event, but to have their picture taken, period. To my western eyes, not a single moment of the entire ceremony had celebrated the bond between husband and wife. How could it though? They literally just met a few minutes before the wedding? Despite this fact, it still seemed so strange. After the twenty-five minute marriage ceremony - and over 300 photos - we loaded back into the vans to return to MCCSS. Of course the day couldn’t end pleasantly without a fight between the families. The groom’s side fought about who would get a seat in the MCCSS vehicles back to the reception hall - literally verbal altercations took place over these coveted spots. As I settled into my safeguarded seat as the official wedding photographer, I drowned out the noise and drowned in my thoughts.

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This couldn’t possibly be more opposite of what I dream of a wedding day to entail. I’ve never been that little girl who daydreams of her big day – quite the opposite - but all of a sudden it became crystal clear how deeply I treasure my western tradition of choosing my own husband, not to increase class within a caste system, not for gold, cash and motorcycles and not for the sole reason to be married. I value choices – the choice to choose love, the choice to choose to marry or not to marry. Sure I may make mistakes in these choices...but they are my mistakes and I am responsible for them. I want my wedding to be based on love and mutual respect. It should be about the couple…not the family. A celebration of a conscious commitment shared between two individuals - not the assets they bring to the marriage.

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An Indian man once remarked to me when questioned about arranged marriages of the east vs. love marriages of the west, “You see what happens in love marriages, you Westerners first find love and then marry after the love has already gone. In arranged marriages of India, we get married first and then we find love.” Interesting point as our divorce rate hovers around 50% - maybe there is an ounce of validity to his point. Nonetheless, I rather run the risk…

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We returned to MCCSS for the reception. Everyone dressed in saris - as dictated by the staff and family earlier that day. The reception room barely fit all who attended, not because of the outpouring of affection for the newlyweds, but merely for the free meal – with meat – provided at the end of the evening. I was clearly instructed not to take any fancy pictures. (Note to all: fancy means candid, slightly imaginative photos.) All photos should be taken with a landscape orientation and with the full background. Okay, check. At one point, it was actually time to capture shots of the newlyweds together…imagine that! They were so scared of one another they could barely touch. No exaggeration. One of the caseworkers literally had to pose the couple placing their hands around each other. I can’t say I blame the bride and groom as they had just met, however they were supposed to consummate the marriage in a few short hours. Yikes! In Indian culture, a baby is expected within the first year of marriage or you are marked as a failure of a wife. The wife has no input on family planning choices, or her body for that matter as she must submit to the needs of her husband to be a good wife. Submission is key to a lasting marriage. Had I been born in India, I would be divorced before a marriage could ever be arranged given all these stipulations. I can barely follow societal protocol in the west, let alone the east. All in all, it was a day full of emotion for all involved. The family happily received a hefty dowry – with a motorcycle, gold and cash...guess I was the crazy one for assuming they would not receive their demands. Sudha and Sudhagar were now forged in a lifetime union – for good or for bad, in sickness and in health. I on the other hand, was merely an impromptu wedding photographer forced to re-examine her culturally-biased preconceptions of supposedly one of the happiest days of your life…

Part of the dowry gift included tons of steel kitchenware - and a picture of Jesus...

Simple sidewalk art, known as rangoli, is found freshly decorated along sidewalks every morning. Special occasions call for elaborate designs and the use of colored powder. One important point is that the entire pattern must be an unbroken line, with no gaps to be left anywhere for evil spirits to enter. Rangoli also has a religious significance, enhancing the beauty of the surroundings and spreading joy and happiness all around.

The chicken biriyani meal fed atleast 250. Pineapple ice cream was for dessert and it was all served on banana leaves for easy clean-up.